Organize and Diarise

This is one that I am, surprisingly perhaps, struggling with. 3 months seems like such a long long length of time, and the idea of planning it all out in advance, especially the workouts is daunting. The crazy part is I have no problem booking social events into the future, it's just the workouts that kind of worry me a bit, or I'm resisting.

I'm making a lot of excuses over it:

• I need a paper diary to be able to do it properly
• I want to buy a pretty paper diary
• My digital diary won't work (not entirely sure why on this one but it's there)
• Omg there are so many events around Christmas that this is going to be a disaster and I can't bear to look at it! (yep this one is there too)

So I have compromised. I have entered in the next 3 weeks worth of exercise into my digital diary. In the mean time I will look for a pretty paper based one. I think the reason I want a paper based one is that it's not dependent on battery charge, or Internet connection, it is always there and able to be used/reviewed. When I used to have a paper based diary I would put sticky notes in it as a to do list manager thing, this could work well with the 12wbt as well, I can put motivational quotes in there, or big stickies noting my red flag days etc to help remind me.

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Kitchen Makeover

Forgive me, I'm horribly behind in the posts but am trying to catch up. This was mainly written before the kick off but just a bit of tweaking to do.

This was an interesting task. So the 5th preseason task was to go through your kitchen and throw out anything that was bad for you. Interestingly I didn't have anything that needed to be thrown out. Conveniently I had done a pantry clean out about a month before and things were still pretty organized so I could easily see what I had. Plus I hadn't been grocery shopping for a couple of weeks so was running pretty low on supplies, but that happens when you live alone. Now I may be being naive here but I actually am pretty good at not buying crap when out shopping. However, what tricks me up is when I am out and about or at someone else's house, Saying no to snacks or choosing healthy lunches or not eating that chocolate bar when I am super stressed out at work is the harder part.


So here is hoping that once this all kicks off I have the willpower to say no to any offers, to eat my home made lunches even if I do go and sit and be social with the others at work during lunch, resist that chocolate bar no matter how stressed out I am getting (because really, it doesn't fix anything no matter how good tastes) and put myself first by eating healthy instead of eating what everyone else expects me to. I guess this ties in with the previous task of the more people you tell and get support from the more understanding that they'll be and hopefully think twice before offering a chocolate or pizza. And here's hoping that even if they do that I am strong enough to politely decline and suggest a walk instead.

 

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Say It Out Loud

 

The fourth task of pre-season was to Say It Out Loud and make a commitment to myself to complete the 12 Week Body Transformation program. A tactic that the program uses to ensure the commitment and increase accountability is to commit not only to ourselves but also to those around us, friends and family. I have to admit that this scares me a bit. The whole idea of not only admitting to those around me that I want to lose weight, but also tell them how I am going makes me almost feel like crying, definitely overwhelmed and scared.

 

I think that it is all tied up in "what if I fail?" Then it's public, then everyone else will judge me if I don't succeed, then people will ridicule me and make comments if they don't see any progress or if I dare eat a chocolate bar or something outside of the nutrition plan. I want to tell myself that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks but I am struggling to accept that. Something that I need to work through I guess.

 

In spite of it though, I have told work people, I have told family, I've even put it on Facebook though not sure how much I'll be putting on there about my progress as I go. Definitely don't want to admit my weight on there.

 

I do have mostly everyone that I have told being very supportive which is good, but still the fear remains.

 

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Gear Up

This activity focuses on where I'm going to train and what gear I will need to do so. Michelle breaks it down into 3 locations:

• In the gym
• Outdoors
• At home

For myself I can see me doing it mainly at the gym, occasionally outdoors if I do something like the 1000 steps or a run with a friend. The weight session though I may do from home depending on what it is and whether I need equipment that I don't have. I am getting myself back into the habit of exercising in the morning so that when this program starts I won't have adjusting to the early mornings to deal with on top of the lower calories and increased exercise.

 

Now in terms of gear:

• Good runners - I bought a new pair in June so these should still be good to go, haven't exactly been very active between June and now so they're kind of still being worn in.
• Heart rate monitor - I bought one of these 2 weeks ago, a Polar f7 on advice from my friend because my Suunto one just didn't seem to be very accurate. It's pretty and shiny.
• Workout gear - I already have 2 pairs of 3/4 exercise pants and a long pair for yoga, a couple of work out tops of that slinky material that draws out the sweat, 5 pairs of sports socks and a nice Kathmandu jumper. I only have 1 good sports bra though, so this might be something that I buy another one of. I'm not sure I want to buy more than one additional, especially as my shape changes and sports bras for someone who is well endowed are not cheap.
• Yoga mat - check but might ask for a pretty Lululemon one for Christmas.
• Weights at home - I have 2 x 2kgs weights at home. Will see if I need to get heavier ones as I progress.
• Exercise ball at home - check.
• Gym membership - yep at the local gym. It has cardio machines, weigh machines, a pool and a cycling room so enough for what I need to do.

I figured I would be pretty right for equipment. I know that I know the theory about exercise and know how to do it, it's the mindset issues and actually getting and doing the exercise that is the issue.i

 

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Goal Setting

The second warm up task is to start setting some goals, and not only that, making them SMART: Specific, Measuresble, Achievable, Realistic, Time based. Then once these have been set, starting to break down how they will be achieved so that I have almost weekly targets to make and can assess on how I'm progressing and adjust course if needed. Now this is something that I have usually struggled with when it comes to goal setting, breaking it down and tracking the progress. Combine that with a fear of failing to reach the goals and I just hit the point where it was easier to not set the goals rather than risk failing, because staying where I am seemed easier than dealing with the disappointment of not meeting what I set out to do. And clearly that isn't working for me so it's time to try something different to get a different outcome.

3 Months (duration of 12WBT)

Do a fun run

Putting my fitness towards a good cause. I'm not a massive fan of running even though it is a good workout and good for me. My knees and ankles don't generally like it though so of the goals listed here I'm a bit concerned that I won't get this one done. However, that fear should not be a reason to not try it! That would be the bigger failure, to not start out of fear instead of needing to stop due to physical limitations.

Lose 5kgs

This is the main reason I am doing the 12WBT, I want to lose weight and be fitter. This means just under 2kgs a month which seems totally doable in my head, but then the voice starts saying "well you haven't done it yet so what makes you think you can now?" Pretty pathetic voice huh? That's why I need this program, gives me the guidelines and the rules and the structure so I just follow that and deal with any of the mental shit that comes up along the way. This ties into the bigger 12 month goal of being 20kgs lighter and will be a good stepping stone along that path.

Get up 1000 steps in under 30 minutes

The first time I did this was about 3 weeks ago now, and I did it in 35 minutes. I went with my friend Melissa, who encouraged/mushed/supported all the way up. She has done it many times, assures me that 35 minutes is a very respectable time. So I figure shaving 5 minutes off that time, in 3 months is a good goal. Will need to do it a couple more times in the meantime to gauge progress, so I figure once at the month mark, and again a month later, those seem like good intervals to measure it.

Do 20 blog posts for the 12wbt

One of the main reasons that I wanted to start this blog is to keep me accountable as well as provide an outlet for working through some of the mental crap that is holding me back and stopping me from being fit and healthy. This will only work if I blog regularly. So this goal is to blog 20 times during the course of the 12WBT including the warm up period. I'm already on 3 and yes I'm counting those too. Then there will be at least one a week during the 12 weeks, plus the remaining 5 warm up activities so I think it is definitely achievable as long as I keep on top of it and don't let it fall by the wayside.

6 Months

Go horse riding

I love horses. I love horse riding. I love being outside and riding through the bush and getting to know the movement and feel of the horse and their individual personalities. I just feel incredibly guilty about getting on my horse at 101kgs. I already battle with the whole ethics about using them for my own entertainment etc, add to that the weight and I just feel bad. So this goal is very much tied in with the lose 5kgs 3 month goal and the lose 20kgs 12 month goal as I won't do it unless I am 90kgs or lighter but its something that I love and that my weight has been preventing me from doing so I figured it was a good goal to get in there. I guess though it is more of a reward but I'm keeping it in here.

12 months

Be 20kgs lighter

Now this ties into the goal for 3 months to lose 5kgs, and conveniently breaks down into the same timeframe. It also ties into the horseriding 6 month goal as I don't want to do that if I'm still as heavy as I am now.

 

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Excuses Excuses

"It's time to get real and ditch our excuses!"

So with every intent to blog about all of the pre season and warm up activities I already find myself behind... So I shall cut my losses and start with the warm up activities, the first one being to document all of the excuses that have been holding us back from a fit and healthy lifestyle. The theory being that everything that is holding me back is all due to the way I think. Very similar to cognitive behavioral therapy about changing your thinking so that you don't get as anxious or depressed. It makes sense that this can be extended to why I'm not putting into practice the theory that I know. Michelle broke these into 3 categories or types of excuses: internal, external under our control, and external out of our control.

Internal

• I'm too tired
• Work has been too hard
• I will never get fit so why bother?
• If I don't eat this chocolate bar right now everything will get worse
• I'm not good enough
• It's not worth it if it isn't a full hour worth of exercise
• Its not having any affect so why bother?
• Exercise is too hard
• Cooking a healthy meal takes too long
• But I really want comfort food
• I'm not motivated

External under my control

• it's too hot
• It's too cold
• It's raining
• I don't have time

External outside of my control

• Something blows up at work and I have to work late
• Something blows up at work and I have to do a nightly deployment and am too tired to exercise the next day
• Family emergency
• Surprise family dinner because cousins are in town

Hmm interesting.

 

So I'm going to get back to going to the gym in the morning. When I was doing it last year and early this year I found it quite beneficial, because I didn't have time to talk myself out of it in the morning. I now have the car back so I can easily get to the gym, so there goes that excuse. And given I'm busy quite a few nights at the moment, it's better to get it over and done with in the morning.

 

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Warm Up Week 3 Challenge Results

So how did the week go?

Monday: zero. Challenge came out during the day and I had toastmasters on that night.

Tuesday: 2.75km. Walked from North Melbourne station into work this morning, only took me 25 minutes so this is definitely something that is doable, as long as I'm running on time in the morning. Total: 2.75km

Wednesday: 16km. Walked from North Melbourne station again (2.75km) walked to and from the gym (2.5km) and rode 10.75km at the gym. The bike at the gym had a cool monitor attached which you could log into and ride certain routes. It's kind of like a game, you can compete against yourself in previous rides so tht you can see if you're improving. Made it more fun and only took me just over half an hour for the ride. Total: 18.75km

Thursday: zero. Had an Agile meetup after work, and didn't walk in the morning. It's funny how that happens, do a big work out and then think that it's ok to not do anything the next day. That's probably one of the negative thought patterns that I have going on, relating to both food and exercise. One good day or meal or activity and then I think it's ok to have a treat or be slack and watch tv.

Friday: again zero. Finally got my car back from my ex husband though which makes it easier to get to the gym or any activity really.

Saturday: 12.5km. 11.8km on the bike, same bike with the computer screen. Did two new routes though so I didn't get to see if I beat any previous times, but it was interesting to see the different 'scenery' on the routes. Then finished with 700m on the rower to bring it up to 12.5km. Total: 31.25km

Sunday: no km but I did do an hours yoga class which felt nice to stretch out the muscles that weren't exactly used to the level of exercise I did this week regardless of how capable I am in performing it.

It felt amazing to actually get over the 30km and it was clear that it was a mindset thing rather than a capability thing. I can clearly do it, especially if I break it up into smaller chunks and reality is that it didn't take me exceptionally long to do it, especially on the bike. Nice confidence boost though.

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Warm Up Week 3 Challenge

This week I am setting you an exercise challenge. I want you to walk, swim, cycle, row, run 30km this week. Break it down into small chunks. You might walk 5km on monday, cycle 10km on Tuesday, swim 1km on Wed. Etc... Mix it up, keep it interesting, try something new! Oh and driving in your car does NOT count!

... And this is a warm up challenge??? Holy moly...

Ok, I'm breathing again. 30kms is totally doable right? Talk about challenges though. Interesting to see my mind immediately go straight to "no way!" instead of "how can we do this?"

I think it's the distance that scares me because that's not something I work with often, 9/10 it is the time spent doing the activity e.g. Half an hour on the bike or elliptical, 10 minutes on the step machine, half an hour walk. I don't normally pay attention to how far I go during the time spent on that activity and cause I have no awareness of it now 30km seems like a lot.

But is it?


Sure, if I tried to swim that I'd be dead, but walking/biking/elliptical should be more than doable. I know I can do 10km pretty easily/quickly on the bike, so a couple sessions on that should make a large dent in it. Combine that with walking some of the way to work and I should knock it off relatively easily. Planning on Wednesday being one of the bike sessions, so that will give me a good indication on whether 2 or 3 bike sessions are required.

 

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So, why do I want to start a blog?

I turn 30 in April and have tried to lose weight since I became body conscious at around the age of 15, and if anything I just got bigger. I have lost some weight, getting down to about 90kgs each time, but then I either lose patience with it, relax a bit from it or life blows up and the weight either gradually or quickly creeps back on.

In primary/high school I was always bigger than most of the other girls. Going to an all girls school probably didn't help either because girls can be really cruel and pick on anyone who is different. I don't recall being too self concious about it until about age 14 or so, and as a result started going to the gym. I don't remember making the connection between weight and food until much later, not sure why, just never really came up.

At my heaviest I was 110kgs or so. My lightest that I can remember was 84 and that was when I was 15 and going to the gym a lot. I remember being so proud of it, and then went on a trip with the family to Sydney and put on 6 kilos very quickly. That was the first time I remember being so discouraged at it.

Dad has always been overweight and my sisters and I were also overweight for a large portion of our childhoods. Even though chocolate and chips were sometimes food, they were always readily available at home, so why have fruit when you can have something that is tastier? Even the extended family were on the larger side, a second cousin once commented that family reunions were always a "bouncing off the boobs" event. I guess this contributes a bit to not thinking that it's a bad thing to be so overweight.

By the end of high school I had become increasingly aware and ashamed of my size and shape but didn't really know what to do about it, it was all too hard to deal with, too complicated, and I was probably too afraid of failing. This continued through to uni and my honors year, where I did what most uni students do and gained even more weight, bringing me up to 110kgs by the end of my honors year. At this point I got a job in Singapore so moved over there, into a long distant relationship, and into living out of home for the first time. This is also when I remember my first series of dieting beginning in earnest. My youngest sister had started on the south beach diet and lost quite a bit of weight, so I tried it myself too. It was great, lost 7kgs in 3 weeks, which of course has set up the mindset of the quick and easy win with weight loss, regardless of how sustainable or unsustainable it is. I still carry with me the mindset that slow weightless is bad and get unmotivated very quickly it feels like. Overall while I was in Singapore I lost 20kgs, which was great, but then I moved back home, got into another relationship, and the weight started coming on again.

Then the family was rocked by the diagnosis of cancer for my youngest sister. This continued for 3 years until she passed away in 2009. In that time I got married, was back down to 90kgs, but then she passed away and I coped by emotionally eating for a few years. I know I still have issues with this.

This year, it feels like things are different. I left my husband in May, and I'm trying to take back control of my life. I am now sitting at 102kgs so not the heaviest I've been but still not great.

Diet I know I need to improve. Exercise I know I need to do better in, but the thing that I really think I need to focus on is the mindset/mental issues. I've never really looked at those before, all I've done is try to hide away and ignore any of them,nthinking that if i do that then they'll just go away. Clearly they haven't and clearly they need to be addressed so that I can be the best person I can be. I'm not aiming for tiny, I'm not aiming for super skinny, I'm aiming for healthy, for fitness, for strength. I want to be resilient, self reliant, My best self.

They say that you should do the thing that scare you, that way you know it's going to be worth it, and you'll learn something from it. So as a challenge to myself I have signed up for Michelle Bridges' 12 week body transformation course, which starts in mid november. The dates for it were almost enough to put me off doing it, to be honest. It's over Christmas. There'll be Christmas parties not to mention Christmas say and New Years. But then I had a voice in my head tell me that were those 5 or 6 days enough to make me put off getting healthier for another 3 months? And then that'll put the next one over my birthday and Easter, so I guess thre is never really a right time to do it. So I have accepted that on the days that there are parties I won't be perfect at following the program, and that's ok. Life has to happen too right? And I'll just make sure there is extra exercise in there, and I pick right back up the next day... Let's see how that goes...

So, that then brings us to why a blog? I figure if I put this in a public ish forum, give the link to my fellow 12WBTers so they can provide input, as well as accountability to me that I'm more likely to stick with it, and sort through some of the mental issues that are bound to come up. Plus it gives me apace to vocalise my struggles, achievements, issues, questions, ponderances. Use this blog like a journal, where I can write what I'm feeling, however I'm feeling it, but keeping me more accountable than a pen and paper journal.

That's where I'm at right now. In the middle of the warm up, before the pre season, before it all starts in November. Am I nervous? Yes. Do I think I can do it? I'm not really sure, but I know that I want try it, and I know that it'll challenge me, and I know I'll learn from it regardless of what happens.

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